To All the Television I've Wept Before

For some reason, over the last several days on Twitter, we’ve been chatting about the most sob inducing television episodes of ALL TIME. Bless my dear friend MelissaLeaman for starting this trend and my friend Carrie Raisler for dubbing said episodes as #cryisodes.  I guess the holidays are really starting to wear on us. Either way, I suppose it’s best to get all of the creys out now instead of next week over gifts and too much eggnog surrounded by family. Right? So let’s get to it. Grab a glass of wine (or 6) a box of tissues (or several) and read all about my favorite television breakdowns.

P.S. These are not in any kind of order. It seemed wrong to rank my points of emotional annihilation.

P.P.S. I decided to choose only one episode from each show so all mentioned shows get a “Runner up”

*Dawson’s Creek 5x04 “The Long Goodbye”

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Reason for tears: Dawson loses his dad in a car accident and blames himself.

Quote: (Telling Dawson about his last conversation with Mitch) Mr. Brennan: “Well, when I mentioned your name, his whole face just lit up. He said you were this brave kid, but he had no idea how you got to be that way. He said you had a romantic streak a mile long, and he said he was proud to know you. I'm sorry if that makes you sad, Dawson, but I figure if somebody says that about you, you ought to know it.”

All the feels: I lost my own mother just a month and a half before this episode aired. Dawson’s Creek was always something my sister and I shared and we always felt like it was a pretty big part of our lives. Never before though had we related to the characters so much. Holding each other while watching this one will always be a bitter-sweet memory for me.

Runner up: 6x24 “...Must Come to an End”

 – The death of Jen Lindley – please never again make me watch that video she made for her daughter. “Hi Amy, it's mom. Well, by the time you see this, I won't be here anymore, and I know how much that sucks, for both of us. So seeing as how I won't be around to thoroughly annoy you, I thought I would give you a little list of the things that I wish for you.”

*Grey’s Anatomy 2x27 “Losing My Religion”

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Reason for tears: Izzy risks her career and everyone else’s to get Denny a new heart only to have it give out on him after she leaves to get dressed for the hospital prom.

Quote: Izzie: "An hour ago he was proposing. And now... and now he's going to the morgue. Isn't that ridiculous? Isn't it the most ridiculous piece of crap you've ever... " (starts sobbing. Alex picks her up, cradling her, and sits down on a chair holding and rocking her while she sobs).

All the feels: If she hadn’t been so damn happy when she left to go get dressed, if she hadn’t crawled into bed with him after he died, if Alex wouldn’t have cradled her the way that he did to get her to let him go, maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. Except that it was SO BAD.

Runner Up: 6x24 “Death and All His Friends” 

– Nearly everyone at Seattle Grace is shot by the husband of a dead patient – please never again make me see Christina’s tears as she is forced at gun point to stop performing surgery on Derek. It only makes me think of “She’s my person.”

* The O.C. 4x01 “The Avengers”

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Reason for tears: Months after Marissa was killed in a car “accident” the residents of Newport are still reeling from her loss.

Quote: Ryan: “Face it. I always bring troubles. Trey, Volchok. You and your family... You're better off without me.”

All the feels: Because Ryan Atwood chooses to cage fight instead of cry about losing the love of his life, I feel like I must cry extra for him. He has shunned anything resembling love and comfort as some kind of punishment he doesn’t deserve. Which makes the unveiling of his Origin Story that much more heart crushing. Comic books are not supposed to make people cry. SETH! 

Runner up: 1x27 “The Ties That Bind” 

– Everyone mourns when Ryan feels he must leave Newport – please never again make me witness Kirsten Cohen breaking down as she folds up Ryan’s abandoned bed clothes. Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” serenades everyone’s pain perfectly.

*Buffy The Vampire Slayer 5x15 “The Body”

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Reason for tears: In the land of all things supernatural, Buffy loses her mother to natural causes.

Quote: Anya: “But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens, how we go through this. I mean - I knew her, and then she's... there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And... and Xander's crying and not talking, and... and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, "Well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch - ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever," and no one will explain to me why.”

All the feels: Again, because I have lost my own mother, this episode is especially hard. But Joss Whedon did something with this episode that no one else has tried before or since for a major character death: silence. There was no score or soundtrack or song. Just the normal sounds of the opening and closing of doors, of birds chirping outside. Which just made it all so much more REAL. Because when you lose someone in real life, there is no orchestra standing behind you to score your emotional breakdown. There is just loss.

Runner up: 2x22 “Becoming, Part 2” 

– Buffy is forced to send Angel to hell in order to save the world just as he gets his soul back – “Close your eyes.” Please never again make me listen to "Full of Grace" by Sarah McLachlan.

*Castle 3x24 “Knockout”

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Reason for tears: Beckett learns more about the murder of her mother and then is gunned down at a friend’s funeral.

Quote: Castle: (After gunshot) “Kate! No Kate... Ssh. Kate please. Stay with me Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me okay? Kate... I love you. I love you, Kate.”

All the feels: We all knew Beckett wouldn’t actually die. Obviously. But watching her get shot and Castle’s subsequent reaction proved to be more than my emotions could handle. His confession of love when it may have been too late didn’t help much either.

Runner up: 4x01 “Rise” 

– Beckett fights for her life after being shot – please never again make me suffer through Castle screaming at Beckett out of love and anger when she never called him post recovery.

*Friday Night Lights 4x13 “Thanksgiving”

Reason for tears: After getting caught running an illegal chop-shop Tim Riggins takes all of the blame so that his brother Billy can care for his new family.

Quote: Tim: “You are my brother. You are all that I have. You have a family now. You are a father. You need to be one. This is my decision. This is what I have decided. This is what’s gonna happen. You’re my brother.”

All the feels: Tim messed up a lot. But most of the time he just got crapped on. Time and again. And then he took all of the blame when the law came down just so that his brother could be a father in a way that their father never was. He gave up everything for family. And while he never had lofty goals, I doubt being in prison a year after his senior state championship game was ever on his list. It’s probably easier to choose FNL episodes that DIDN’T make me cry but this one will always bring the rain.

Runner up: 4x05 “The Son” 

– Matt loses his dad – please never again, I just cannot. “I gotta get up there in front of everybody and say good stuff about this man. And all I really want to say is 'Hear lies Henry Saracen, his mother annoyed him, his wife couldn't stand him and he didn't want to be a dad so he took off to be in the army because that's the only way he could come up with to get out of here and ditch all your responsibilities and no one could call you out on it and that worked out great so you just decided to enlist four more times and that ended up getting you killed and now here you are. And all you left behind is a mother with dementia, a divorced wife and a son that delivers pizza. Thank you for coming 100 people I do not know.' You know what the worst part is? Even if I did get up and say all that I don't even know if I'm saying it to him because I don't know what's in that damn box. It's a closed casket-- might be someone else, someone funnier or a bunch of rocks.” I understand Matt. I really do.

*Angel 5x15 “A Hole in the World”

Reason for tears: Moments into realizing true love with Wesley, Fred loses her battle with a supernatural virus after opening an ancient sarcophagus.

Quote: Fred: “I need you to talk to my parents. They have to know I wasn't scared. That it was quick, that I wasn't scared. Oh God!” Wesley: “I need you to fight, you don't have to talk, just concentrate on fighting. Just hold on.” Fred: “I'm not scared. I'm not scared. I'm not scared. Please. Wesley. Why can't I stay?”

All the feels: Wesley loved Fred from the moment he saw her. And isn’t it Joss’ way to take her away from him just as he gets her. And Fred, always so brave. Of course, it gets worse for Wes and the rest of Angel’s inner circle when Fred’s body becomes the God Illyria who couldn’t be more different from Fred. Too bad Illyria insists on wearing Fred's face. You know it’s bad when even Spike is suffering. “There's a hole in the world. Feels like we ought to have known.”

Runner up: 5x12 “You’re Welcome” 

– Cordelia comes out of her coma to give Angel both a proper goodbye and what he needs to win – “Don't make it hard, Angel. I'm just on a different road...and this is my off-ramp. The Powers That Be owed me one, and I didn't waste it. I got my guy back on track.” Please never again make me see his face when he realizes that she has been dead the entire time. 

*The Vampire Diaries 2x21 “The Sun Also Rises”

Reason for tears: Despite everyone’s hard work to keep death at bay, Aunt Jenna is turned and then murdered by Klaus.

Quote: Elena: “Just turn it off. Jenna turn it off. You won’t be scared anymore.”

All the feels: TVD has never shied away from killing major characters. And it has always hurt. But none quite like this one. Even though a lot of us made fun of Jenna for being a mostly drunk door opener, her loss had us all hitting rock bottom. In order to really feel the pain we were forced to face those who loved her most. Jeremy, Elena and Alaric. And all of their tears came together to create a Molotov cocktail of sorrow no one was prepared to swallow. Making the cocktail stronger is “Skinny Love” by Birdy. OUCH.

Runner up: 2x06 “Plan B”

 – Elena gives up her relationship with Stefan to keep her family safe - please never again make me watch Paul Wesley cry like that. When he cries like that all of my unicorns stop eating and nearly die. It’s gut wrenching. (Made worse/better listening to “Wires” by Athlete).

*Bones 5x16 “The Parts in the Sum of the Whole”

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Reason for tears: After revisiting their first case, Booth gives his heart to Brennan only to have it refused.

Quote: Booth: “Well then let's go for a different outcome here, all right? Let's just, hear me out alright? You know when you talk to older couples who, have been in love for thirty or forty or fifty years alright? It's always the guy who says ‘I knew.’ ... I knew, right from the beginning.” Brennan: “Your evidence is anecdotal.” Booth: “I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy, I know.” Brennan: (crying) “I- I am not a gambler. I'm a scientist. I can't change. I don't know how ... I don't know how.”

All the feels: After overcoming years of a “we’re just partners” partnership and his own insecurities, Booth finally lets Bones know just how much he loves her and is immediately shot down because Bones doesn’t know how to feel her feelings. And it is not for her own sake that she stays away, but for his. Because she doesn’t feel that she has the love to give him for the 30-40-50 years he wants and deserves.

Runner up: 6x22 “The Hole in the Heart” 

– Intern Vincent Nigel-Murray falls victim to a hunted sniper – please never again make me watch Brennan tell him he will be ok.

*Supernatural 5x22 “Swan Song”

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Reason for tears: Knowing that there is no other option, Sam gives himself up to Satan in order to help Dean stop the Apocalypse.

Quote: Dean: “Sam. Sammy. It’s ok. I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you." Sam: “It’s ok Dean. It’s gonna be ok. I got it.”

All the feels: It’s hard for me to even talk about this one. Dean finally lets Sam grow up. But letting Sam grow up means letting him go. Dean has to trust Sam to take on Satan himself. It’s so hard to watch Dean take that brutal beating before Sam gets the reins back, but Sam wins. Except that when Sam wins, the Winchester brothers who have spent the last 5 years together, saving people, hunting things, lose. Because they lose each other.

“So what's it all add up to? It's hard to say. But me, I'd say this was a test... for Sam and Dean. And I think they did all right. Up against, Good, Evil, angels, devils, Destiny, and God himself, they made their own choice. They chose family. And, well... isn't that kinda the whole point? No doubt--endings are hard. But then again... nothing ever really ends, does it?”

Runner up: 2x22 “All Hell Breaks Loose: Part II” 

– Dean sells his soul to bring Sam back from the dead – There isn’t much in this world more powerful than one brother trading his life for another. Please never again make me watch Dean take the blame for losing Sam. “It's like I had one job. I had one job, and I screwed it up. I blew it, and for that, I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. Y'know, I let Dad down, and now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy? What am I supposed to do?”

So how did I do? Did I make you cry? What did I miss? Go ape shit in the comments. After I recover from putting this soul sucking list together I may read some of them! 

Q & A with a Fantastic Fan of Friday Night Lights

Carina Mackenzie of http://www.zap2it.com/ (@cadlymack on twitter) gets a lot of the credit for my current obsession with the BRILLIANCE that is Friday Night Lights. And, as I hear it from many of my friends, I’m not the only one she convinced to check into this gift of a television show. Her twitter exchange about FNL with Julie Plec (@julieplec from The Vampire Diaries) was, for me, something I looked forward to every week, even without watching the show. And, now that I’ve seen it all from start to finish (in what must be record breaking time), I’m dying to know Carina’s every thought on Friday Night Lights!

I know this show is a great passion of yours. Have you watched from the beginning or did you have a friend turn you on to it?

C: I watched it from the beginning. The movie screened at my school when I was a freshman in college – I probably wouldn't have seen it, except it was free, and I was totally in love with it. So when the show started, I made sure my ass was parked on the couch for premiere night. I remember being actually confused by the pilot – even though I recognized Kyle Chandler from "Early Edition," and I knew he was an actor, I did not understand how this show could possibly be scripted. It was shot so much like a doc, and the acting felt so genuine.

FNL is very different from anything I’ve seen on TV in my life time and I have seen a LOT of TV. What do you think makes it so special?

C: If I could put a finger on what makes "Friday Night Lights" so special, I'd be a better writer and a better critic. It's hard to nail it down, though. I think mostly, it comes down to honesty. They remain steadfastly true to the characters they've created and, more importantly, to the town. They tell stories that are ugly if that's how they would've really happened. There's no bending the rules of the people or the place just to make way for a neat ending or a big, TV-friendly moment. If this was a typical TV show, Tim and Lyla would've ended up together, Jason would've had some miracle surgery, Matt Saracen would've gone on to be a football star who could afford to buy his grandmother the universe. This isn't that show, and that's why I love it.

This show has a PLETHORA of tear educing moments. Is there one moment you can remember that makes you cry harder than all the others?
C: Well, I cried so much through the finale that I barely saw what was happening on screen, but I think the moment that made me cry the absolute most was Tim saying goodbye to Jason in New Jersey. It was perfect. A tiny part of me is still really bitter that we didn't get to see Tim and Jason together in Season 5, but again, that's not this show – and at least I have that perfect goodbye to hold onto.

This show was very well reviewed but never great in numbers. Is there anything marketing wise you would have don differently in order to better share the greatness?
C: I honestly don't think this show ever would've done fantastic numbers, even with a perfect marketing campaign. It was too different from anything on television, and it challenged viewers a little too much. It made you hurt, and I think that when a lot of people sit down to watch TV, they only want the highs, not the lows. I just want to feel something strong – I don't care whether it's heartbreak or elation. I know there are other people out there like me, but I think most people just want to be entertained, not challenged.

One of my favorite things about FNL is all different relationships. Give me your thoughts on a few of the most prominent pairings:

Tami & Eric Taylor:

C: Can they adopt me? It's such an underrated thing, but there's this episode where Tami basically finds her dream house in Dillon, and Eric has to tell her that no, they can't afford it, they can't take the risk. I thought this was the best portrayal of the real struggles in marriage. I mean – my parents are divorced and I'm only 24 and not married, so it's not like I'm the expert on the subject, but these two were the most "real" couple on TV. I think when most TV shows try to give a married couple juicy stories, they introduce third parties and the threat of infidelity, or unwanted pregnancies, or secrets/lies. Not "Friday Night Lights." They never cheapened the relationship. The inability to afford a house was story enough.

Lyla & Jason:
C: Here's the thing – I can't actually separate Lyla and Jason's relationship from their relationship with Tim. This was a triangle like none I'd ever really seen on television in that yes, Jason loved Lyla and Tim loved Lyla, but Tim and Jason loved each other just as much. She never came between them for more than a few weeks if you go by the timeline of the season. My favorite moment in the whole show is when they're in Mexico and they're exhausted and dancing and she kisses both of them. These three people are all so in love with each other that they could never be fully happy as long as they stayed wrapped up in each other. It's royally fucked up, but it's really beautiful in a sort of desperately sad way.

Tim & Tyra:
C: Tyra could do better than Tim, and Tim knows that. I think by the series finale, though, she's planted this idea in his head that one day he could be better. Listen, Tim Riggins is never going to be the great love of Tyra's life. He represents a lot that she ran away from. But I think there's something to be said for the fact that her leaving Dillon means that he, potentially, could be bigger than Dillon, too. I'm not sure he wants to be, but he could be. He'll be the guy she sleeps with every time she comes home, and they'll be okay with that.

Matt & Julie:
C: HE PROPOSED TO HER OUTSIDE THE ALAMO FREEZE. Okay, this is the part where I was like "this show has made me a better person." I'm from Connecticut, okay? I'm about as blue blooded as it gets. I'm liberal as fuck and I think everybody should be allowed to get married but only idiots actually do it. If I knew someone who got engaged when they were 19 I would judge them so, so hard. And yet, somehow, I watched Matt Saracen get down on one knee and I was like "Yes, this is perfect, this is exactly how this should go." I love them. I mean, she was pretty much a disaster and when Coach said they weren't mature enough to get married, I think what he really meant was that SHE wasn't mature enough to get married, but whatever. Matt Saracen can settle for Julie Taylor any day. I'm happy.

Tim & Jason:
C: See Lyla & Jason. Also, Texas Forever. "I'm the caretaker, Streeter." For me, this is what the show was about. I'm devastated by the fact that the scene where Riggins is building his house in the series finale was filmed with both Billy and Jason, and they decided to go with Billy. It's the one wrong this show has ever done me.

Tyra & Landry:
C: LOVE. Not for, like, a forever, thing, but for a high school thing. They both made each other more confident. Her college entrance essay made me ugly cry for days.

Tami & Julie:
C: Tami reminded me a lot of my mom. I think that the way Tami had to almost give herself permission to be disappointed in her daughter once in a while was very brave and telling. One of my favorite scenes is when she takes Julie to get the tattoo removed, and they end up talking instead. Those confessions of imperfection are incredible.

Tim & Lyla:

C: I think I said everything I need to say about this one above – but really, I think that Tim/Lyla was mostly about how thoroughly and desperately they loved Street. I think they both represented who Street was before the accident and when they couldn't fit into his lives the same way, they tried to make room in their lives for each other instead.

Favorite episode:

C: Probably the series finale, except for that glaring Streetless imperfection.

Favorite character:

C: Riggins. Not even in a shallow way. For me, other than the Coach, Riggins is the hero of this story.

Favorite moment:
C: The Y Tu Mama moment in Mexico. I watched it and suddenly felt that I understood the characters in exactly the same way the writers did.

Moment, character, & storyline you hated the very most throughout the 5 seasons:

C: When Julie drove off with the Swede I wanted her to keep driving off a cliff. My least favorite character was Hastings Ruckle, because Grey Damon was a series regular that was heavily promoted, but they never did anything with him, and Billy/Mindy should've been regulars instead. My least favorite storyline was Saracen's grandma's nurse. Blech.

You once told me that watching Friday Night Lights would be “life changing.” And indeed it has been. What else would you like to share with people who might be hesitating to watch?

C: Nothing. It's off the air now so I don't really feel the need to browbeat people into tuning in. Now it's almost this little secret, these five boxes of DVDs that hold the meaning of life and only the people who have seen it can understand what it means.

How did you feel about the finale? Did it do the show justice? Did it end as you had hoped?

C: Yes, I loved it. I'm not really ready to talk about it though. I'M STILL HEALING.

Any final thoughts for fellow FNL fans?

C: Clear eyes! Full hearts! Also, Luke and Vince were epic and I don't know why you didn't ask me about them but THEY WERE EPIC EPIC EPIC. I loved their friendship so much.

[This is me recognizing my short comings. I suck. Vince and Luke were so much awesome. I suck, I suck, I suck.]

Huge thanks to Carina!

Also want to send a shout out to my dear friend Amy (@tvgirl222) another big reason I finally clued in to watch this AMAZING show! Thanks Amy!

Friday Night Lights - Expectations

I gotta tell you guys. Despite the fact that I’ve seen all of these episodes once before, I am wicked excited about getting to watch Friday Night Lights as it airs on NBC. This show has had such an impact on me and I really could not love it any more. This season premiere was a great example of why FNL is so exceptional. We get to find out what all of our favorite Dillon residents have been up to and we get a bit of a peak at what’s coming up for them as well. Can’t wait to get into it!

What made me laugh?
Fucking Billy. When he isn’t making me so mad I want to spit, he is totally cracking me up. The thing is, I don’t totally dislike the guy. He has a very sweet side to him and lord knows he wants SO BAD not to be a loser. His opening speech with that short ass quote that he had to have written down and standing up Coach Taylor’s ass? I couldn’t help but laugh and shake my damn head.

What made me mad?
Becky’s step monster is a total cunt bag! I wanted to put that cigarette out in her face! To be completely honest, Becky grates on my last damn nerve a lot of the time. That being said, no child deserves that kind of hate from someone who is supposed to be caring for them. What a cow. Thank god for the Riggins clan. All of them.

What made me cry?
Tim Riggins in jail! OMG! Of course my instinct at the sight of him is to swoon and smile and fan myself. I can’t quite get there though. He’s just so despondent and so not himself. It’s killing me to see it. There is so much anger and resentment simmering just under the surface. Even for those few minutes. I. Just. Can’t.

What gives me hope?
Tami Taylor, as always. She is back in her guidance counselor role, this time at East Dillon High. The way she cares about each and every student, the blood sweat and tears she puts into these kids; you can’t help being inspired by her dedication. And watching her heart both break and swell with pride as she sends Julie off to college was so beautiful. This woman is my hero.

Other highlights:

• Landry saying farewell to Grandma Saracen. How awesome is that little old lady? And how adorable is it that she has Crucifictorious on her MP..whatever? Wish I did.
• “Football is a lot more fun than a physical examination of the colon." "Well I guess that depends on the game doesn't it?"
• Coach Taylor and Julie’s father/daughter moment in the garage. I am such a huge fan of their relationship.
• Football. This will be a highlight every week. Even though all it does is remind me how far away football season really is.

So, tell me friends: have you already seen the 5th and final season? If so, are you watching it again? Was this your first sight of Season 5? What did you think? Share your thoughts! I could read love letters to this show all damn day!

Texas Forever

Now that I have seen it all, I’m not quite sure why I put off watching Friday Night Lights for so long. I think seeing a lot of the tweets from Carina MacKenzie from Zap2It (@cadlymack) and Julie Plec from The Vampire Diaries (@julieplec) made me afraid to make the kind of emotional commitment that this show requires. This fear was realized as I watched and cried at least a thousand times. However, I would never take back a single tear. I guess what I am trying to say is: If you're waiting, WATCH NOW!

I tweeted series regular Stacey Oristano who plays Mindy Collette-Riggins (@staceyoristano) about the show and she expressed to me how much she loved her character and how much she already missed her role and the show. She’s not the only one.

Watching this show has actually changed my life. Watching Tami with Eric has changed the way I want my marriage to be. Their kindness and love and compromise is what I strive for. Even the way that they fight is so realistic and yet so brilliant. Watching them both with Julie has changed how I hope to raise my future children. Being a part of these characters’ lives has changed how I see my past and how I see my future. The beauty of a simple life and the magic of a dream that could come true. The strength it takes to believe in yourself and the effort that goes into just trying to make something, anything, happen. 

Please stay tuned for more FNL goodness. I am looking forward to an interview with Carina about FNL as one of her very favorite shows and I will be doing weekly recaps as NBC airs the 5^th and final season starting on April 15th. Also, keep your eyes on StaticBlog. George Lang has been writing up some amazing FNL essays. 

No regrets.